The Problem with ‘Free’ Toilet Paper

“What are you gonna do with all that?” I asked Mary.

“I’m taking it to Good Will,” she answered.

“No you’re not – we can use that!” I heard myself demand.

“Well, then here, do something with it,” she retorted.


It was a large plastic bag of toilet paper that Mary’s sandwich shop had accidentally received in its latest shipment. The rolls, some 50 of them, are for restrooms that do not need ‘tubed dispensers,’ and not surprisingly the supply company didn’t want them back

By now I sure you’ve heard of tubeless toilet paper, the latest fade for those who are truly eco-conscious. However, these rolls don’t have enough opening in the middle to insert a regular cylinder on which to properly dispense the product next to the can.

In fact, the rolls Mary’s shop received have barely enough of a hole from side to side to insert a large grade-school pencil. And that’s why Mary was going to give the stuff away.

But she forgot how cheap I am from time to time, and that propensity to be ‘Scrooge McDuck’ popped out of my mouth before I had thought out the literal inconvenience of such derriere wipe. And not wanting her to know this, I set about stacking in under the sink in our front bathroom.

Fortunately, it didn’t take me long to find a simple – though highly ‘red-necked’ — way of solving my problem. As soon as I got the last roll put away, I rushed out to the garage and my tool box.

There I located a large flat-head screwdriver. Back inside the house, I raced to the bathroom and slipped the tool through one end of the roll and out the other.


The upside is that with the problem solved and I’ve managed to cut our toilet paper budget in half for the time being! The downside: Only 49 more rolls to go.

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