The Top Moronic Stories of 2008

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting , ‘Please come out and give yourself up.’

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: ‘Give me all your money or I’ll shoot’, the man shouted, ‘That’s not what I said!’

A man spoke frantically into the phone: ‘My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart’.
‘Is this her first child?’ the doctor asked.’
No!’ the man shouted, ‘This is her husband!’

In Modesto, California, Steven King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.
Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

On Lake Isabella, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going.
It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.
A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch.
So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Knowing You

Father God, this ain’t my church
This isn’t even my town, Lord,
Yet here I find myself, my search
Looking for you and Your Holy Word.

Father God, I am at the well,
I am that lone Samaritan woman,
Listening, hearing, running to tell
Everyone about Your loving plan.

Father God, I am Peter the Rock,
Climbing from the boat, in me
My faith more than mere talk,
My feet in the waters’ stormy sea.

Father God, I am Paul your Servant,
Who came to persecute Your name,
Then in Your name came to plant
Your church, spreading Your acclaim.

Father God, this ain’t my church,
This isn’t even my town, Lord,
But here I stand in my search
Knowing you and Your Holy Word.

All Night DJ’s Lament

The DJ speaks into the mic
As the phone starts to blink,
A listener calling in their likes.
Phone hangs up with a ‘clink.’

Of course the record now playing
Has a scratch that makes it skip,
Over and over the needle dragging,
Causing the DJ to bite panicked lip.

More than once a cart is mis-cued,
A record shuck has now disappeared,
But still the DJ keeps the mood
Of one that is hysterically absurd.

Only the DJ knows all that is wrong.
Others hear nothing but control,
As shakey hands cue the next song.
Fluid words from tongue does roll.

Oh, the all night DJ’s lament…
What a radio talent must put up with
Just to pay another month of rent,
Get rich overnight, really is a myth!