Self-examination Versus Self-doubt

Once, I had a job selling educational programs to corporations for a non-profit organization. I was very good at my job, bringing net sales up from $150 dollars a month to over $30,000 dollars a month in less than nine months.

I also scheduled volunteers to teach these educational programs as well as taught them myself.

Next thing I realize I have a new director who comes in and reorganizes the entire department. I suddenly found myself spending more time cleaning classroom materials and doing data entry than selling, scheduling or teaching.

Net sales fell off rapidly and just as quickly I was blamed for the lack of revenue generation and discharged.

At first I was angry and hurt at how I was treated because deep down I knew it was not fair. A few days later that anger and hurt turned to self-doubt and I began to wonder what I had done wrong, causing myself to be fired.

My lack of self–esteem was kicking in. I moped around the house and then found myself another job and got on with life.

This has been a reoccurring pattern in my life. And I am just now starting to see that I am not the one that is always at fault.

Yes, there are times when I should back down or hold my tongue. There are times though when I am right and I must stand up for what I believe in.

My problem, I have discovered isn’t a lack of self-esteem.

It’s the practice of self-examination. I am continually re-examining everything I do and say. I don’t want to do and say things to be mean or hurtful. I want say them because they are truthful. Sometimes the truth hurts.

And yes, I do sleep very well at night next to beautiful woman.

The Good Trip

The barn was dark, especially since Tommy and Adam had walked into it from a noonday sun. So they could hardly see a thing as Tommy tripped over something. Adam was behind him and was witness to the sudden trip and less than graceful fall. Tommy hit the barn floor with a hollow, echoing thud.

No sooner did he land on the ground, than he was back on my feet. Tommy swore a blue streak as he bent over to pick his hat up off the planking.

Adam was laughing at him as he said, “Did you have a good trip last fall?”

Tommy grew red in the face and madder by the moment. Suddenly he kicked out at the unseen object that had injured his pride.

“Owe!” Tommy screamed as he dropped to the floor holding his right foot.

Whatever he had kicked, it was solid as a rock. He started swearing even louder as Adam laughed even harder. After a couple of minutes Tommy stood up and limped across the barn floor to his Grandpa’s workbench. His right foot was on fire and he was thinking the worst, that he had broken his foot.

Tommy fumbled around in the darkness for the cool feel of the hurricane lamps’ glass chimney. He struck a match and lit it, then hobbled his way back over to the place where Adam was still standing.

The light threw shadows the full length of the barn and made Adam look taller than he already was. He had both hands on his sides. He had laughed so hard they hurt. Tommy looked down to see what it was that he had tripped over and what he may have broken his toes on. It was a dull mass of steel, flat on top with a cone shaped point at one end. It was Grandpa’s anvil that Tommy had kicked.

Adam busted out laughing again and he dropped to his knees. He had tears in his eyes he was laughing so hard. Tommy was angry again.

“What’s so funny?” He hissed at the fool rolling on the barn floor howling like a lonesome coyote. “It isn’t funny,” he shouted “I think I broke my foot!”

Adam continued to laugh.

He turned and hobbled over to the workbench, blew out the lantern and headed for the door.

“Isn’t funny,” Tommy announced, “I’m hurt.”

Adam looked at him with this crooked little grin. The one he gets when he’s getting ready to say something smart aleck, then he smiled. “Tommy if you think that hurt, jus’ wait till you kick the bucket.”

With that Tommy left Adam lying on the barn floor laughing his darn fool head off. He had to go get his foot examined, and then he thought to himself, “Maybe I ought to get my head examined too.”